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[You are greeted with the glorious face of a Mr Rudy Wade, naked and coated in blue goo. He stares into the camera, his expression serious and his accent thick.]

Hello.

Now I have just found out that I'm going to be on this ship for a while. I won't lie. It's not ideal. If I'm quite honest with you, I'm naked, covered in what can only be described as alien ejaculate and my throat hurts from having something forced down it. I therefore feel just a little bit violated and vulnerable right now. And a bit sore.

So does anyone have any chocolate and possibly some clothes? The chocolate is my priority right now.

I don't think it's ejaculate.

[He hopes. He really hopes.]

You should find a uniform in your locker. The same number as your tattoo. [Although he does seem to have a lot of tattoos...] Your new one.

[Rudy's not too focused on finding clothes anymore. He's suddenly interested in the fact that he's skyping with Simon on a bloody spaceship. He grins.]

Mate, fucking hell. You know a lot about this place, don't you? On an alien spaceship and all, it must be a fucking family reunion for you, innit?

[He's rather taken aback by that. And not entirely comfortable that this strange, naked man is being so overly familiar with him.]

I don't know anything. [After a moment he feels the need to add to that.] I'm not an alien.

Edited (GD, it phone. Let me use my icons.) 2012-11-23 16:43 (UTC)

[His eyes narrow for a second and his face becomes serious.]

Really? Are you certain of that?

[He is so confused by what's happening here. He just stares at him for a moment in complete bewilderment.]

Yes!

[Rudy's undeterred.]

But are you though?

[Oh my god, what's with this guy? He could almost be a replacement for Nathan.]

No. [Wait. He's not even sure what he's disagreed with there.] I'm human. I'm not an alien.

You know they've got showers for that.

[ Blatantly making fun at his goo-covered expense, though he really has no right to be. Nathan spent a good four hours in crusty goo before he got cleaned up. But what starts out as open mockery shifts quickly to a thoughtful, only slightly disturbed non-answer to his questions. ]

Hang on, if it is alien ejaculate, do you s'pose it's like in Aliens and they've impregnated us through our mouths?

[His eyes widen and he pulls a startled face of clear disgust and dislike.]

No...Noooo. I am not interested in any of that...[he frantically gestures about his body for a second]...chest bursting shit. Nooo. Not interested. Fucking hell. You are disgusting, mate. That has totally upset my day.

[ He actually looks mildly offended at the accusation. ]

Hey, you started it! With your ejaculate and your sore throat, don't pretend you weren't thinking of those flying twats from the films. [ Then there's a pause as he... checks the sensitivity of his nipples and feels his stomach. The next comment is a completely serious assessment. ]

I don't feel pregnant. [ But then his eyes narrow at the screen, brows furrowed in thought. ] You, on the other hand. Are you usually this much of a pussy? Maybe it's the mood swings.

[Mood swings? Touchy subject there.]

No. I don't have mood swings. I am definitely not in any way prone to volatile emotions or changes of opinion.

[ Uh oh. His 'hit a sore spot' radar is tingling. How many metaphors got mixed there, who cares. Either way, his thoughtful expression becomes something closer to suspicion. ]

Is that right? Seems to me you're flip-flopping on this ejaculate issue. Or don't you remember that? You know, pregnant women have shit for memory.

My memory is fine thank you. And I am a man. I have a beautiful penis. [Taking offence? Most certainly. He pouts a bit, clearly unhappy.] I don't mind showing you if I need to.

[ And now Nathan's taking offense, because the goal here certainly wasn't to have someone show him their dick via cam. Pretty much the opposite, actually. Except not to this guy. Obviously. ]

I can see your face, you pervert. If you were actually a woman you'd be the ugliest woman I've ever seen in my life, and I can assure you I've seen a fair few. [ Short pause for thought. ] Well, second ugliest.

But if you're aiming to lure young naives in and show them your cock, you might want to start with texting.

Could you, just for one minute, think of something other than what goes in your mouth?

[She looks like she wants to hit him, and then just gives up and rolls her eyes.]

Besides, if anyone's got any chocolate, I'm calling rights to it first.

[He points at the camera as if to correct her and prove a point.]

Now hold it a minute. I am not of the homosexual disposition if that's what you're suggesting. I have never ever wanted to put cock in my mouth. Never.

...

Except when I thought I saw Tom Cruise in the public toilets at Nandos - dear god, that is one fucking handsome little man - but that was one time. God, you think about a male celebrity once during a cheeky little wank or have one quick peak at another man's genitals and instantly you're labelled.

Such a twat.

[It's almost an endearment, really. She's even almost laughing, she's so glad to see a familiar face. Even if it's Rudy's familiar face.]

I was talking about the chocolate. I don't give a shit if you fantasize about putting Tom Cruise's cock in your mouth, though I'm pretty sure you could do better.

[Rudy pauses, considering it thoughtfully. If only he could save such in-depth consideration for more important topics.] He is quite short and therefore probably has a particularly small penis...All that Scientology and shit though. He'd probably be well at home here.

You know, if you wanted to fantasize about putting my cock in your mouth, I would be entirely fine with that.

[No Rudy. Just no. She arches both eyebrows and holds up a hand, pointing as if she's targeting him to punch at.]

I don't want your filthy cock anywhere near my mouth.

[She pauses, heaving out a sigh. She's got to control her temper if she wants to get anything accomplished.]

You and me, we should be figuring out how to get out of here, yeah?

[ OH GOD. UNFORTUNATE ONE NIGHT STAND - WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE SCREEN AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO PEOPLE THAT SHE KNOWS?

She's just going to nope.jpg out of this situation before it begins.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Test Drive Meme

Rudy Wade | Misfits

Pretty sure I'm taking Simon from Christmas, BUT HAVE HIM ANYWAY.

CAREFUL WITH YOUR WORDS THERE.

WHAT IF I MEANT MY WORDS?

THEN SO BE IT. OMG. WHAT HAVE YOU DOOONNEEE?!

I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOUR DRAMATIC CAPSLOCK IS SCARING ME. I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK.

OMG. I AM SORRY....THOUGH HAVE I WON?

I SUPPOSE SO. YOU HORRIBLE WINNER, YOU. X(

RUDYYYYYYYYYY

DUDE. WHO EVEN ARE YOU? YOU'RE OLD NEWS, BABE.

SCREW YOU MAN I'M THE ORIGINAL NOBODY EVEN LIKES YOU!!!!! or cries when you cry sob

EVERYONE LIKES ME. YOU'RE JUST THE FIRST DRAFT... ;_;;;

NO RUDY DON'T CRY ;_;;;;;;;

;_;;;;; BUT HE'S HURT, MAN.

c'mere let nathan make it better

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this is a [ not here ] tag bc she is from christmas, BUT HELLO <3